Am I Thinking Straight? warning .... post from a woman on the edge ....

Yesterday, out of the blue, I ordered dog tags for three of my fosters.    Suzie is ill and I don't believe she should be adopted out, Tina is her sister and I think their hearts would be broken if they're put into different homes, and TRex is so plain crazy I don't know if anyone will put up with him.   So  .... I ordered them dog tags with their names, our address, and my cell number.     Now that I've just decided I can't afford to adopt Saburo so what am I doing ordering these tags?  I definitely can't afford these three.    Suzie and Tina have cost our group a lot of money - something I feel personally responsible and guilty for.    I also know that Joey just loves Tina and Suzie like mad and he was almost relieved when he found out that Suzie was sick and we needed to just keep them in our care - that they're not really up for adoption anymore.    But yesterday I ordered them tags and then made sure they had collars on that are going to color coordinate with the tags I should get next week.    I feel insane today.

I'm not sure what's going on with me ... actually I do.    It's very hard emotionally and mentally being an unemployed single Mom.    Being an employed single Mom is hard in itself.     Even simple things like running out of children's Tylenol when your kid is sick is a huge ordeal because you don't have someone to stay home with them while you run out to Walgreen's or while your significant other does.   Or you run out of milk and your kid is taking their nap and you can't wake them up or leave them alone while you run out to the store.   I've been a single Mom since Joey was just a few months past his first birthday, so I really can barely remember what it was like having someone else to count on.    That would be financially OR emotionally.     And the sad thing is, I only have one child.     Joey is an amazingly smart and wonderful kid.    In so many ways I'm thrilled he's nothing like me, but in so many ways it makes things a bit tougher.   I was the kid who was a people pleaser.   I was quiet, I was shy, I got good grades and I just wanted to do whatever was the "right" thing to do.     In other words, I stayed under the radar.     Not Joey ... he questions the world and he doesn't care who knows it.    If he doesn't see the logical sense in doing something,  he's pretty much not going to to do it.   I tell myself that when he is an adult this is going to be a huge help to him.     But right now, it ends up with me getting emails and phone calls from the  coach at school because Joey  absolutely will not dress out for gym.   :)    Not dressing out for gym, doesn't get him out of the physical activity for the day but it does equate to an immediate zero.    I try to reason with him ... who gets an F in gym?  

As for the unemployment part, it's just plain depressing.    In 2007 I was working in the mortgage business making a decent salary.    Then ... my employer just quit paying me in August of that year.    Mind you, I still had a job but no paycheck coming in.   So...  I started my own business and barely survived for the next year.    I was lucky enough to find a job in the medical field as an administrative assistant.   However, I was fired from that job last August.    Then, I lose my job in July.      That's three years of mostly not knowing how I'm going to make my house payment.     Add to that, I have a very sketchy recent job history which probably makes a number of employers nervous.

Everything is so exhausting and some days I can't handle the emotional stress of fostering these dogs in addition to dealing with my duties as a Mom.   It's not just the taking care of them - the orchestral maneuvers that have to be maintained for a peaceful mealtime.    But it's also  knowing all their awful histories and knowing the sadness and abuse and neglect they've had to face.    It's trying to be one voice telling the world how things have to change and having people I  like and trust manipulating the system and the rhetoric to fit their wants and needs.  And, then, it's saying good bye.   Saying good bye over and over again and feeling bad when I look into their innocent brown eyes being afraid that they're going to think I've abandoned them  just like the person before me did.  

I cry every time a foster of mine gets adopted.    One of our volunteers told me that I needed to stop that because if I allow it to be too emotional, I'm going to get burnt out.   Add on to that the lies and rhetoric out there against Proposition B and I just get totally disappointed in the human race.      I'm taking the weekend off - no bake sales, no adoption events, and just a weekend with JTK.