Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fathers Day

I dread Fathers Day like some singles dread Valentines Day.    I still miss my Dad greatly and I just hate dealing with all the advertisements, cards, and other reminders heading up to the actual day.  I miss spending time with my Dad - and summer time was such a DAD time.  BBQ and baseball.     He was a die hard Cardinals fan and he had weekend season tickets.   I shared many games with him and used to love to tell everyone that my Dad was on a first name basis with the beer guy in his section.  :)   I was (and still am) so pissed that they tore down  old Busch Stadium.     It was totally superior to the new one and held a lot of memories for me.    I took Joey downtown the night they pulled the last few pieces down.   I cried and I was glad my Dad wasn't here to see it.

My Dad was great.   He wasn't perfect, he had many  flaws like we all do.     But when he was around I always felt safe and that all was right with the world.  No matter what was going on; what I was scared of, what I was sad about - I could let it all slip away into my Dad's hands.   He would force the universe to make everything ok for me. 

I almost went to his grave today, but I just couldn't do it.   Some days it comforts me to go there but some days it's too awful.   I haven't been in a while.   He's at Jefferson Barracks and I'm proud to say I can get to his grave without ever stopping at the visitor center to get a map.   When my Dad first died, I was there all the time and then I started taking my Mom.   She made it awful and I quit going to avoid taking her.   Lovely daughter, eh?

My Dad was cremated and sometimes I have dreams that if I can locate all his bones and put his skeleton back together like a puzzle that I can bring him back to life.    Of course, being cremated that's impossible - what a screwed up dream to have.    Too bad my Dad isn't here for me to tell that one to and he could come up with some silly thing to do or say to remind me that I'm taking myself and life far too seriously.

Love and miss you Dad .... Happy Fathers Day

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